The Art of Uncertainty
Today I turn thirty. Three decades of life feels like a huge accomplishment and I would like to congratulate myself! I have had the pleasure of watching so many of my friends enter and thrive in their thirties. Turning thirty from my vantage point has looked like a breath of fresh air. At thirty people seem to begin hitting a stride, which I’ve deduced from numerous conversations comes from knowing oneself. There is a centering that happens approximately between the ages of twenty-seven and thirty, if you know anything about astrology this can be credited to a Saturn Return. Once you're centered it becomes easier to make the decisions that build a life.
During the impending arrival of thirty I sat with myself a lot. Mostly trying to answer the questions: what do I really want out of life and what is actually important to me? Identifying these answers was extremely clarifying. I am able to let go of desires I possessed that were entirely ego-driven and focus on what fulfills me on a deeply personal level. Being on the other side of this process is glorious, but going through it was hard and took years of working through conditioning I have received my whole life.
There also needs to be an acknowledgement that this center I feel now is allowed to shift in life as I continue to know myself better. One of my biggest ‘aha’ moments was getting comfortable with the uncertainty of life. Accepting uncertainty means not having rigid ideas of what success or happiness looks like. Especially when most ideas of success and happiness come from conditioning. There are now a few guiding principles to guide me through a life that is far more uncertain than certain. My principles are: love, joy, self-expression, community, and value.
Accepting how little I truly know is a new experience for me. Historically, I prided myself on having all the answers. Recognizing the immensity of the unknown has made me a far more curious person. It’s freeing. Thinking in absolutes was a safety blanket. Shifting away from that way of thinking has allowed me to ask more questions, lead with less ego, and actually become more knowledgeable. I constantly find myself contemplating everything.
Changes in my personal life, my career, the world around me leading up to thirty are also responsible for this shift in thinking. I’ve recently entered into a partnership, my friendships are changing, I am producing a short film for the first time, I am working in a new capacity with the arts, and clearly the world we live in is in flux. As a result, I am doing a lot of things that I don’t know how to do. This doesn’t mean I’m not capable, but there is no guide laid out in front of me. Doing new things means relying on previous experiences but approaching with curiosity and openness to learning, pivoting as needed and potentially making a mistake or a few along the way.
Regardless of my overall positive outlook, I’m still experiencing lots of fear. Luckily, I have a great therapist who is helping me lean into that fear. Accept it, acknowledge it, and move through it. Most importantly I am learning to trust myself. The best things are usually on the other side of fear after all.
This blog is on the other side of fear for me. Fear of vulnerability, fear of being seen. I’m moving through it because I have the desire for a personal practice to work through all these thoughts. To ask and answer questions, to be in community, to share, and to have a creative outlet through my writing. My hope is that it’s an offering to the collective that resonates with others.
Constantly Contemplating is a space for me to examine art, culture, technology, work, and more through an examination of myself. In honor of my thirtieth birthday here are thirty thoughts currently bouncing around in my head that I hope to address at one time or another on this blog:
Is there actually a purpose to life?
How does one develop their sense of self?
Why do I like certain pieces of art?
Why is crying so difficult sometimes?
What would a day be like if I let my intrusive thoughts win?
Do we lose parts of ourselves when we enter a romantic partnership?
How can creatives balance the desire for commercial success while maintaining artistic integrity?
Is anyone actually expecting humans to be so productive?
Raising chickens can’t actually be that hard, right?
Would I be happier if I let go of my aspirations?
What makes art good?
What makes art great?
How does one pursue work in a way that is sustainable?
What’s the science behind the phrase, "You are the average of the five people you surround yourself with the most"?
Is my cat actually taking on my personality and do I really act like that?
Was Octavia Butler a time traveler?
What does the way you dress say about you?
How has art and culture shaped my identity and worldview?
How do I design a career that feels like a true reflection of me?
Is the difference in content and art how it's consumed?
What am I so stressed about?
Who is in charge of the archive?
Why does the art world feel so exploitative?
How does one actually build a capsule wardrobe?
Who knew my heart could grow 5 sizes?
How can I live a more authentic life?
How has technology changed our experience with art & culture?
Why is everyone so afraid to say the food wasn’t good on social media?
Is culture going extinct because of globalization?
What does it look and feel like to truly live in community?